Dreaming Of Bathroom Free Ballparks

Each Thursday We Let A Nats Fan Sound Off, Because Quite Frankly, The Fans Know More Than We Do

This Week's Entry Was Written By Nats/Caps Fan @KevinLamparter

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Why do I always find myself in the bathroom lines at professional sporting events…

Do I drink in excess to enhance the social enjoyment of the game? Do I require the extra liquid inhalation due to the winning percentages of area DC teams? Do I have the bladder capacity of a 10 or 90 year old?

This Was At Nats Park Last Year

Thinking deeply about it, the answer to all these questions is “Yes”. But bathroom lines are such a hassle at sporting events. I can’t tell you how many big plays happened while I was staring at the back of the head of some bro who just chugged 20 beers.

So what is a fella to do?

Sports Is Beer

This is Actually Editor Chris

Professional sports have been saturated with alcohol-related marketing, sponsorships, and promotions since before I was born.  If you see a game in St. Louis everything is Budweiser and if you head out to Milwaukee then the same is true with Miller Lite. Even at Nats Park these days there is a ginormous Miller Lite logo in dead centerfield.

Beer men are a staple at professional sporting events, providing fans with ice cold adult content delivered right to their seat!  But most of us (def not all) HATE to be that guy who is constantly getting out of his seat during the game.  Try it at a Caps game without getting yelled at.

But how can fans resist that little voice down below telling them they have three minutes to evacuate before something bad happens?

Non-Solutions:

“Drink less beer!” Are you serious bro? Have you ever drank just one beer? It sucks!  And don’t tell me to switch to liquor. Liquor and I do not get along, just ask my ex-wife.

Plus beer is king at the ballpark, liquor is not even readily available.  And nobody wants to be the guy at the Wizards game drinking 3 ounces of pink liquid out of a plastic wine sample glass.

So why hasn’t anyone come up with a better solution to this problem. If they can’t shorten the lines, what can they do? 

Solutions?

Well luckily, I have found two products that could help me out in the future. Although sadly, these products are not really socially acceptable at this point in time…

Obviously the first is an adult diaper. I mean if Wes Welker & Clay Matthews are wearing them, then why not me!

The second is more outside the box thinking, but I'll avoid the box to avoid the stall.  It is called the "Texas Catheter" and boy is it awkward.  You basically put a condom on and a tube transports the contents into a plastic IV bag.  Looks fun...check it out...you ready to strap that bad boy to your leg?
Conclusions:
I’m headed to the Nats game in a week and I’m strongly considering wearing one of these two devices. So who’s with me? June 7 is officially Diaper Day at Nationals Park! Let’s take back the park from all the bathroom line losers and enjoy some baseball, beer, and tension-free bathroom breaks.